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This is the page to find a comprehensive collection of our very own Martin anecdotes alongside some fan poetry with a Barrass theme. As well as our personal experiences of Martin, we have enlisted the aid of some of our friends to reveal their favourite memories of Mr. Barrass as well. I suppose you could call it Fan Fiction.
Unfortunately at this present time we have only a sparse collection. Okay, so we are a bit numerically challenged in the story department!
As ever we need your help to create what could be a glorious cyber gallery of Martin Moments.
Please check the bottom of the page for more details on how to submit your own "Martin Moment".
Pantotime
Anon
Sat in a crowded theatre hall,
Around a decade ago,
The webmasters of this fair site,
Watched the panto show.
Yes, it was quite amusing,
Everybody cheered for the Geordie dame,
The baddie was booed off stage,
But without Martin, the show would have been lame.
His skipping is glorious,
A real treat to watch,
His facial expressions and jokes,
Really are top notch.
Oh how we howled when Martin came on,
Dressed in a red velvet suit,
Doing a magnificent impression of Austin Powers,
It really was a hoot.
The crowd all groan, as the sheets come out,
We know the slapstick is on its way,
Still the custard pies and water make us laugh,
But as to why we couldn't say.
Perhaps it is Martin,
His enthusiasm we applaud,
The only highlight of our Christmas time,
His obvious comedy talent, cannot be ignored.
That is why fellow fans, we have created this site,
As I lay my pen aside,
We thank you Martin for all you have done,
And for the humour you provide.
Ode to Martin
By A Friend
Oh what an honour, how we drooled,
The day Martin Barrass came to our school,
He told us his stories for hours on end,
But still we prayed that the moment would never end,
It took less than a day for him to change my life,
"If only," I thought, "I could be his wife",
Of course we had seen him in pantomimes,
We'd seen him on stage a thousand times,
But this was different, there was no "He's behind you!",
Although Mrs Quick was, and other fans too,
We didn't move, except when our jaws hit the floor,
When he told us the tights story and what everyone saw,
An unbelieveable tale, could it be true?
And why couldn't we be there to witness that too?!
But regrets are pointless, besides we were lucky,
Except then it had to end, which was pretty sucky,
But there it was, he had to go,
And although it filled our hearts with woe,
At least we're sure to always know,
That he loves us 'cos we miss him so!
Tight Trousers and Tights (A lacklustre account of a visit by Martin Barrass, a poor attempt at the art of humour)
My recollections of those glorious Martin afternoons when he would come in and talk to us about the world of acting are, I'm afraid, at best, limited. The little titbits that I can recall are here for you to peruse at your leisure. (Some of the names in this account have been changed to protect the innocent).
I remember waiting in anticipation, word had passed round that Martin would be joined by none other than Berwick Kaler, but alas, it was just a cruel rumour! I believe there was also talk of David Leonard at one point but given his penchant for hip-thrusting motions perhaps this wasn't a good idea to expose young impressionable minds to this sort of thing. I remember when our woollen clad hero appeared, unfortunately he wasn't wearing that glorious triumph of fashion, the woolly jumper avec white diamond pattern, and then he introduced us to his "agent", his baby daughter. The cries of "aaawwwww" were barely audible over the sniggers. People were trying desperately to suppress their laughter at this quite remarkable attempt at non-humour (well I laughed, can't say fairer than that!). This lack of levity will serve him well when his children enter their teenage years. His children will smile awkwardly when Martin cracks a joke at the dinner table as their friends try not to look as if they're going to cry at the embarrassment of it all (I expect my own friends have had this very experience at my house many a time and for this I can only apologise profusely). I remember how the head of drama Mrs Quick looked after his daughter whilst secretly making a mental note to put a contract out on Mrs Barrass.
A chair was provided and he sat on it whilst Mrs "Mmmmm, I really like Martin Barrass" Quick introduced him to us (as if we didn't know who he was). Fine you might think. Wrong! I am still in therapy. Many will recall how he sat with his legs so wide open a fleet of ships could quite easily pass through them. I still have nightmares about how he sat there grinning like a Cheshire cat. Had he mistaken an invitation to talk to a group of teenagers about being an actor for an invitation to collect a lifetime achievement award at the BAFTA's (A long overdue accolade in the webmasters' humble opinion)? Mrs Quick exited quickly (Pun unintentional), probably to sit somewhere where she had a better vantage point of Martin's arse. Then Martin asked the question of death, "Does anyone have any questions?" You should never ask any group of kids that question because it becomes evident that no one really wants to do so. They are just there because they were forced to be by their very scary English teacher (mentioning no names for fear of violent repercussions) or they just couldn't be bothered to raise their arms (I must hasten to add that this was not the case with me. I had my hand up so many times I might as well have been wearing a t-shirt saying "Martin, pick me," but, as directed by the cruel hand of fate, he didn't). Anyway other people eventually began to ask questions and from this point my memory has become a little hazy.
My friend summoned up the courage to ask Martin a question, something along the lines of "What's it like to work with David Leonard?" A perfectly straightforward question one would assume. Martin laughed before reeling off one of the longest answers to a question in the history of seminars. From this we can deduce a number of things. He really likes talking at people (he stared my friend in the eye the whole time he was talking), or that he thought it was a fantastic question and felt that it deserved an essay style answer or perhaps he just likes talking about David Leonard. One can never be sure with these Equity types. My friend later commented that she wished she had asked Martin if he "felt intimidated by David Leonard's trousers?" Looking back I now feel it was wise not to ask a question about the intimidating nature of David Leonard's trousers. The reason why he must wear such tight, yet strangely alluring trousers has eluded the minds of this country's top psychologists and indeed clothes retailers since the dawn of time. I can only surmise that he has found some sort of deep bond with Ricky Martin or it may be he just cannot find trousers to fit his ever-expanding genitals. It would not surprise me if somebody had written a thesis on this extraordinary phenomenon.
Questions rolled on, but I'm afraid I can't remember many of them. There are two perfectly legitimate reasons for this. One, it was about 3, may be four years ago (I have had the Martin Barrass experience twice - I'm so lucky). Secondly, I was in desperate need to take a call of nature and I was worried as to the location of the nearest exit and whether or not I could use the aforementioned exit without causing the utmost disruption to the proceedings. I do, however, recall that whenever he made one of his jokes, the steadfast silence was always broken by the raucous furore from Mrs Quick (and of course from myself). Perhaps, this could be considered as a prime example of how care in the community has failed.
I believe somebody then asked Martin about his most embarrassing moment. Then he went on to describe an experience when he was on stage. He told us that he was performing some play or other, which involved wearing tights. As he came on to the stage he was sure he had felt something snag but no time to worry about that. He knelt down at the front of the stage, sensing a slight draught down below (if you get my ever so distasteful meaning) but still he valiantly continued to deliver his dialogue even though the audience were quite clearly laughing, presumably at him. He looked down and his hhhh-mmmm (you know exactly what I'm talking about you mucky pups you) was on full display. Bet the people on the front row of the stalls wished they had splashed out a bit and bought tickets for the dress circle (back of, preferably). Still, at least he can laugh about it now, we certainly did. As I say this is just a vague memory so if you can add anything to this marvellous anecdote please contact us. No, please do, nobody I know seems to remember this story and I'm worried that this never actually happened and that the tights story is actually some sort of deep psychological fantasy????
If you know of anyone or if indeed you yourself attended a similar afternoon (or morning for that matter), perhaps at a different educational establishment, and who has a memory more adequate than my own, please contact us. Perhaps we could set up some kind of support group to get us through the horrific flashbacks of Martin's unfortunate posture. Thank you.
To be continued???
Acknowledgments; On a serious note, the webmistress would like to say a big thank you to Martin. Not only did I find the afternoons interesting, informative and amusing, most importantly he also saved me from a detention for not doing my English homework that day. Martin afternoons, the highlight of my week and the only viable alternative to double English!?
Contact Us
Have you had a Martin Barrass Moment that you're dying to get off your chest? If you e-mail us with all the details, we will publish it here. The stories will be divided into three sections.
Pantomime related stories - Have you had an interesting pantomime experience that involved Martin Barrass that you would like to share?
School related stories - Has Martin ever visited your school or college to deliver a talk on being an actor? Don't keep it bottled up, it's best to let it all out....
Community related stories - Have you seen Martin out and about in the great city of York, or elsewhere for that matter?
E-mail us at MartinMoments@martinbarrassmania.itgo.com, Aaah, go on now.
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